A family

Last night we had church...www.originscommunity.com
We sat around at tables and ate potluck food and talked about life. It was great. I was in the middle of my diatribe about what is happening with the 'boy' at my table, when I had to get up and sing. It was really hot in there. My pastor mentioned that we were having a typical pentecostal meeting....potluck food, no A/C, worship music...all we were missing were the handheld funeral home fans. But we used styrofoam plates instead.
When I got up to sing, I realized my guitar was horribly out of tune. I started to sweat. Sometimes you can get away with it, but even I was annoyed by the horrible sound. So I asked our trusty Trace Bundy, who is an amazing guitarist www.tracebundy.com to come and help. He came up and while I quipped with the audience, he did his ninja-tuning-thing in like 60 seconds. It's great to have helpful friends!
I feel like the performance went well, I played two of my songs: There was a Man, which is an allegory of God pursuing his Bride as a Lover, and Kings and Queens, which is about the homeless in Budapest. They were very attentive, and I enjoyed sharing my music with my family. Then I led them in a worship song as we shared communion together. It was beautiful.
Warm fuzzies all over.

there's also something sweet

About early stages of dating...the nervousness, awkwardness, the learning each other...

I have decided that the first hand-holding is the absolute sweetest.

Sigh.

there's just something...

There's just something about writing down words. Words have been helping me lately. Not the words that swarm around my brain and make me feel stressed out and confused, as they have lately. But the words that fit neatly on a piece of paper. Or at least neatly into sentences that have the potential for people to read., like here.. you're reading this, right? To read and perhaps to relate...I need to let you into my world. I need some light and air to breathe before another night goes by and I haven't put things out there into cyberspace.

Is it possible to want to do the right thing too much? I think it is. Maybe it's called an overactive conscience. Maybe I believe that if I just pray really hard and grit my teeth and pretend it's not all hard and confusing, I will be able to do the right thing when the time comes. Or maybe I want to keep up appearances. I don't know .

Meeting someone and beginning to date is supposed to be this fun, sweet time. But right now I am working on little sleep. My worried mind keeps me up. I've had issues with anxiety before. If you know me well, you'll know that I struggled with it in college a lot, and for the years after college when I didn't know what direction my life 'should' head in. It' s that same feeling. I haven't been worried too much about starting school. I know that my moving into Boulder is a positive one, and will probably cut down on any unsettled feelings I've been having. So what's the issue?

When those feelings of anxiety went away before, it was at the time when I felt I had purpose. I worked through some issues with a counselor, which was a good idea...many which stemmed from childhood, (don't they always?) and i highly recommend doing that for anyone in a similar situation. Some things became clearer. But now I have a direction (school to thereby become a high school English teacher), meaningful friendships, good health, artistic outlets, and a pretty stable relationship with my Creator. Then, what is it? What is keeping me up at night? I guess we all have things that we need to face from time to time. I guess this is my time. (darn it all)

There are probably a few issues here... I worry about making a good impression, I worry about letting my heart get further than he lets his, I worry about whether or not he is the right one for me. I worry about so many things that I have no control over! How infuriating!

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?


Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!


Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!

A response on guarding...

I just ordered Boundaries in Dating and The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis online. I didn't realize what I was doing when I ordered them together. If I believed in bad omens, I think I just created one for myself.... ;-)

So as much as I like to think that I am just a romantic, and I want to be willing to let my heart be squashed and go through the pain and all of that.... well, maybe I am a bit off.

I really like that part of me. That I am willing to love and to be hurt. But I just got a response to my thoughts from someone and I am sorting it through...hang with me while I sort through my thoughts on his thoughts on my thoughts...ahem.

Basically, this person has gone through a few relationships where he has given his heart too soon. He says that there was a lot of initial attraction but then, he wasn't aware that he was attracted to this person for unhealthy reasons: escape from pain, or just a strong desire for a relationship, and it often ended badly. Now, I am not afraid of pain. I have been through it. But what I am lacking is experience. I think relationships take practice..especially the art of dating. I feel like I am at a place in my life where I am starting to know myself as a single woman, I feel pretty comfortable with that role. Feel pretty comfortable in my own skin. But I don't know myself in a relationship with a man. I don't know what my tendencies are, or how to pace myself at the beginning of a relationship; how to keep from just letting my heart go where it will. What I do take from this person's point-of-view is that if there is potential for a long-term relationship, it is important to think critically and make good judgements in the early dating stages. Because if one person burns up and out too quickly, that could squash something that could have been great. Now since I have ZERO experience with dating, I don't get this. I want to fling caution to the wind and go with my bad-romantic-self. :-)

So, is there a balance? He quotes scripture: Jesus said: "Don't throw your pearls to swine" (ie. don't share beautiful parts of yourself with those who will just trample on them), and in one of the gospels it says "Jesus entrusted himself to no man, for he knew what was in their hearts".

Proverbs talks about a heart being deep waters, beyond understanding, and in Jeremiah it talks about the heart, above all, being deceitful, and then Jesus says that "Out of the heart come adultery, murder, slander...", and yet it's supposed to be the wellspring of life! What the heck?!

What can be said about these things? The heart is so beyond understanding. I have so much to learn...and yet I love how God has made me, so I know that I can't and won't jump on the other side of the 'guarding your heart' fence...completely. ;-) I know that I am made for a great romance; I believe that God has that for me. He has already made me a part of a Greater Romance, and I believe a relationship with a worthy man will be a beautiful reflection of that. But maybe it will come differently... maybe there is wisdom in chilling out my heart a bit...in the meantime I need to put on my thinking cap, and somehow quiet my heart which is beating too fast. I need God's peace and strength. I need these words to sink deep into my mind and soul...and may you reach out for this scripture, too. Whatever we go through, whatever you are feeling or experiencing, these are good words. Find strength in Him.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. "

Guard your heart?

I was thinking this morning during my run what that scripture is all about...guard your heart... I mean, we are always throwing that phrase around, and probably the only time I have heard it was in reference to guarding it in relationship. But I am starting to think that we shouldn't do that. I mean, we need to be careful to whom we are giving our heart, of course, and to be wise about our decisions, but to tell the truth, my heart has been broken so many times, and the Lord has come and healed me. I've been disappointed and felt shattered and felt like he didn't care and He was just leaving me out there alone. But I want to continue to love.

He promises to come and heal, and He always does it. I just don't want to be the kind of calculating Christian woman who never gets excited about a guy, never lets her guard down. Because that just wouldn't be true to myself. I think we need to guard our hearts against things and people that will drag us away from the Lord, naturally. But guard our hearts against loving? No, I want to be the kind of person who loves freely, with her whole heart. Maybe to only have it broken into pieces and to have Jesus come back and put my heart back together again...Jesus is the perfect example of that. He gave his heart to people He KNEW would betray him and hurt him, and He didn't hold back. He loved with all that was in him. And aren't we called to that, too?

I might be totally wrong and messed up in my thinking. But then again, I know I can trust the Lord to continue teach me in this..any thoughts?

Dazed

Wow. This guy is either plain amazing, or he's a great actor. I like to think he's the first. I know it's only been two dates, but, well, I'm not doing a very good job of guarding my heart...I mean, come on. He told me at least twice that he found something about me attractive today (usually when we were dealing with deeper issues) that I had a lot of depth that he feels like he hasn't even stratched the surface of, (!) we talked so freely about so many things that are really interesting and so important to me... he is so open and vulnerable and gentle. To top it all off, as we were driving away after our 4 hour hike, he said he thinks I'm beautiful and such a grounded woman. Whew! The guy knows what to say...and he makes me feel so attractive and so safe.

Dazed.

I'm okay today

I've decided that even while I am freaking out, I am okay. There are lots of things going on that add to the anxiety, and so I have reason to be a bit on edge... I am moving in 2 weeks, I am starting classes in five weeks, at which time my life will change dramatically, and now I have this guy that I am spending time with. And he is so nice and said that my nervousness was attractive because it made me genuine and vulnerable....(sigh).

So I am starting to realize that things will be okay. Yesterday I made the near-fatal decision of going to an athletic store to look for swimming shampoo that might preserve what isn't totally brittle on my head. (I am a swimming-fiend this summer)They didn't have it, and in my no-food-low-blood sugar-state, I decided I needed a new outfit for our hiking date this weekend. (yet another way I am such a girl! hehe)

As I was trying things on, I realized that I was teetering on the brink of buying everything in the store, to walking out with nothing. Don't you think we just have way too many options these days anyway? I ended up not liking one pair of shorts I tried on, and bought only one of those spaghetti-strap, supportive sport tops, which actually looks pretty sexy on me, if I may say so myself. So, while I am happy with my purchase, I realize that i need to eat before I shop.


I am realizing how desperately I need to stick with God these days. In my state of anxiety (and somewhere there is some shock that a guy wants a second date with me) I need to turn to him. In my state of feeling overwhelmed, I need Him to direct me how to take things a step at a time, and to ask for His peace as I conquer one detail at a time. I need His grace as I try to figure things out...I need to lay those things I cannot figure out at all (like will I marry this guy) and the things I would like to control (like how much i am liked by others) in His hands. And I need help for all of this.

walking through it...

It's amazing how long I have been wanting to go on a date with a guy, just go on a date, ya know? And maybe even have a second date and maybe have someone to do fun things with, like go hiking, explore Denver, just sit in a park and look at the mountains. And now, suddenly, it seems to be happening. And I'm freaking out.
It's so strange. I mean, I have no idea how far things will go. But, we had a really nice first date. It was weird and awkward and I talked like a crazy person, and when we were hugging goodbye my sunglasses were falling off my head and in a jerk-response I whacked him in the back of the head. And I am surprised I didn't scare him away. But then, after we had drunk our iced lattes and I had talked my head off, and I wasn't feeling quite so nervous anymore, we went for a walk. And we walked up to the school where I often teach, which was definitely meaningful for me. He really cared and wanted to hear about my experiences there. And then he talked a lot and then I talked a lot, and then we arrived back at the coffee shop, and I whacked him in the head and he asked me for a second date. He must be crazy.
On a more serious note, I am anxious about the whole thing. I guess it's normal, I don't know how normal, but I like to tell myself that it is normal to freak out in the beginning. I mean, what if this is IT? I was talking to God about it on the way to work. I said, "God, what if this is the last week that it will be just me and You?" I felt this overwhelming feeling of loss, and a bit of regret. I have had God all to myself this whole time, haven't been responsible to anyone else but Him, ultimately, for the last nine years of my relationship with Him. And I have fretted away so much of that time wishing that I had more than Him. When He was all I really needed all along, and still is all I really need. And this could be it. It's so strange to wish for something for so long, and then feel like jamming the brakes on when it finally comes.
But maybe this isn't IT and we will have a few fun dates and then be on our way. That would be okay, too. I just want to remember this feeling when I get my heart broken again. That there was a time when I was clutching to God with all that is in me, not wanting to give up this time, anxious to be only with Him.

uhuh

I decided not to go to Ireland. It's amazing how difficult it was for me to just say "NO" But I did it, and though I am sure things would have worked out, I am so relieved I didn't go. Too much stress.

So, right now I am doing temp jobs (which I am starting on Monday for 2 weeks, some funny data entry job in someone's house -- I am burnt out on kids at the mo) and am excited about my friend Danielles visit. She is coming next week for about 24 hours just to have a quick Bachelorette party before moving on to California for ESI Training/Debriefing time. (She is my dear friend from my time in Hungary) So, I am excited about the prospect of going to this place called Fascinations (chooka-chooka-bow-bow) and getting her ready for her Honeymoon.

(Mom and Pop, sorry if this embarrasses you...)
Watch out, Neal! ; )