i miss...

As I was driving tonight, smoking a clove, thinking of you, I said these things out loud. And some tears were shed and it felt good. It felt good to tell you the things I miss about you...

I miss the way my mouth felt when we kissed.

I miss that wood-burning stove smell that I breathed in when I buried my face in your beard.

I miss the way you'd rest your hand on my thigh as you drove.

My hands at the back of your neck as you drove.

Your fingers playing with my hair when I drove.

Holding your hand.

I realized tonight that my knees got weak EVERY time I was expecting you to knock at my door. Even if I saw your car, I would pretend I didn't; I loved anticipating you.

You saying, "You can do it." or "Everything is going to be okay." or "You'll be alright." You were so sure, that I believed you.

Waiting for your phone call and feeling the butterflies that came. They always came, right up to the end.

The Tricky Tale of Heartbreak

As if there are not enough questions and mysteries and things to scratch your head at. Then, your boyfriend of 5 months says that he is finished. Over. He is walking away...and as he walks away, you swear you can here the planet you had created with him crumble away around him. Buildings are collapsing. The earth is shaking and rumbling. Rocks and tiny mountains are splitting apart and dropping into the sea. Like the USS Enterprise just hit it hard, or that black hole thingy sucked it up into nothingness. Like the planet had actually never been there. Like it was a figment of someone's - or all of our - imaginations. And now, there is only darkness where that world once was.

The first two weeks were hard, but I had my friends around me, who expected to comfort me, to bring me glasses of wine and Kleenex boxes. But I think it is the third week, that winning, reality-checking number 3 of a week that really gets you. My week started off with a pain in my lower back so terrible that I had no choice but to lay around and feel that empty cavity in my chest that I had been keeping at bay. Here I am!! Heartbreak! Feel me! Love me! Don't ignore me anymore! So, I had that to keep me company. Then, the clouds decided to stay in front of the sun, reflecting my already unpleasant self-pitying mode. And the sun just stayed away, and stayed away. So, where does a girl go with self-pity? To the movies, of course. But no chick flicks, please. I wanted something to rip me so far out of my world that I could, for 2 hours, be somewhere else entirely. Star Trek. The ONLY movie that would accomplish this task. I was so happy to ride around on the Enterprise, to loathe the villian and cheer for the heroes. It did the trick.

recovery

The past month has been a series of misses and near-misses. It has been a true test of my faith and trust in God and People and Life and Love and Goodness.

The sun was gone for a while and it rained and we wondered: "How could it rain so much here, in Colorado?" And then the sun came out and it's all green. It's crazy like that. Life is crazy like that. I feel like I have had bad carpet burn. Like somebody or something rubbed me hard across the floor. It has left marks. Heartbreak is like that. You will be fine, but then something will come on the TV and all of a sudden your entire chest opens up and it feels like a void, a cavity, and the cavity hurts like hell. Because when the longing would surface before, I would have HIM to look forward to filling. He lived in that place. Now there is no one there anymore. And there are friends who huddle around you, smashing his pictures, giving him the middle finger, and putting big band-aids on your hurts, and giving you chocolate and sunshine and their own tears and hugs. And all of that is so nice. It really is. Until they have their own lives that they have to lead and you are left sitting on the couch, not sure what the hell to do next.

Labeling my books

Today I spent the afternoon labeling the books I have been given with my last name: "Ammerman." I wrote my last name about 150 times. I got a lot of books. It was an interesting ritual. There was something really satisfying going through all of my books, preparing them for my 7th graders for next year. I made the comment to my roommate that it felt a little like nesting might. When you are getting ready for something new.

Tomorrow morning I am driving out to my new school and will check out my room! I am so excited and can already picture the bookshelves filled up with my new/used books...the tapestry wall-hangings, the Chinese lanterns I plan on looping through the ceiling brackets...the director's chair I plan on having up front for my future readers and poets!

A new job, graduation, etc...

Well, it has been a VERY long time since posting here. I had started writing more 'writing' on my Scroggles site (www.scroggles.com) so if you wanna read some of my writings, they are there, under shetellsall. If not, I thought I'd give an update here on the more practical side of things.

Right now, I am relaxing in the knowledge that I have fulfilled all of my requirements for my Teaching License here in Colorado. All I have to do now is finish up the week with my 6th grade class, and then show up a couple of times til the end of the year to do some teaching on music and poetry. Fun stuff!!

Also, I have been offered a position as 7th grade teacher in a middle school out on the prairies of Colorado!! It is a neat old, big building positioned next to teh high school which is a bit bigger and newer. Fort Lupton Middle is nestled in a small town that maybe used to be thriving but now is home to people who live there and work in Boulder or Denver, and some auto industry places and others who live hand to mouth, just barely getting by. There is ONE diner, several Mexican restaurants and a Chinese place which has a nebulous look. It could be open or closed. It's not exactly obvious from the outside.

There is something I really like about a community that continues to live there and be loyal to the town, even though the industry is fading. There is something that attracts me to a community like that, even more than slick and fancy suburban communities. Here, there is real poverty. Here, there is high immigrant population. There is a church on every corner. There is a continuity at stake here.

So, two years of working my patootie off has paid off! Thank you to those of you who have supported me and encouraged me on in this pursuit toward my teaching degree. Thank you for understanding when I was too drained and stressed out to hang out. When the last thing I wanted to do was actually 'talk' after a day of demands and needy kids and performing for a grade and an endorsement for a job. When I could barely rub two nickels together and had to beg and borrow and push my rent back (thanks, Trace and Becca!) a few days. And thanks to God, who has put me on this path, given me these friends and family and seems to never leave me. That I could not do without.

Kevin's Housewarming Photos

Kevin in front, Nic and Paul behind.

Okay I could only get one to upload, but there you have it.

:-)

I am getting to know a really nice guy named Kevin, who actually has this amazing smile. Ironic that he isn't smiling in this picture, but this is his kung fu side ..or something.

two poems i've written

CIRCUS LOVE

I am such a bozo around you

The circus has come to town

So much fun to be with you now

Aching and steadfast and wanting you

Knowing our time will come

Not now, not now, not ever now

No it must come in time

In newness and fullness and goodness of Time


Who draws the curtains and hails in the elephants

And sets the high-flight performers to work

Caught in the act of creating a spectacle

Calculated risk, split-second nervy choices

You’re on your own up there


In the tent’s sky relying on someone else to catch you

It’s a high-flying circus

A high-risk adventure to put my heart in your hands

Stepping into the shadows of this circus tent

I wait for when Time reaches you

It’s a high-flying circus

A high-risk venture to put my heart in your hands

Stepping into the shadows of this big top event

For you to reach out for me.

.
THE YELLOW LIGHT of the IN-BETWEEN

Really can you feel me
Really can you know you want to see me
Really do you want me to call you at all?

Cause I’m not sure
And the yellow light bright
Gives me pause
What kind of love is this?
Is this the love that doesn’t know the answers
The dreams that reach beyond the fears?

Tonight tea in hand I warm myself by music
And thoughts of you.

In my mind I call and invite you over
Even though I’m sick
No, because I’m sick I want you here
Because you’re so so heavy with sleep
Heavy with worry and love for your friends
But tonight I want you here
With me

I want you here but I don’t call
Because you are You and i am Me
And Time is what it is right now
And we are in this space of In-Between

And I know I am supposed to enjoy each step
Along this journey
But what I wouldn’t give for you
To leap across this Divide
To me

So come over and drink my tea
And eat my carrot cake
And I’ll watch the stress disappear from your face
Because of something I did
Because of someone I am

And I would put my head in your lap
And you would stroke the stress
And fatigue and illness from my head
And it’s okay: You can go home tonight
But I want this to be our Now.

We are stuck in the In-Between
Unsure of what to do next.
And I want God to catch me by the hand
If you can’t take my messiness
If you don’t like my complaining
If we aren’t good for each other

To show you all the stuff that is real and hard
And not exactly perfect about me
The colors and distortion and wrong thoughts

Here I am,
Just this way
With messy room and dirty car that barely runs
With overdue bills
And curtains that don’t match
Clothes in heaps on the rug

And your laugh

I’ll not parade around anymore
Standing in the shadows of your perceived perfection.
I can’t stay here long.
I will die out here in this half-cold place.

If only.
If only I would open the curtain wide
Defy the fearful yellow light
And let you in.

From inside the In-Between place
Won’t you hear me asking you to come.
To cross that make-believe line
And come over tonight.
.

I am done

I am done trying to please
someone else
Some imagined or real man
Someone who I hope might take me home

I am home.
Home inside my jeans and freckles and blond hair
And tattooed foot
Pierced nose and sun-kissed shoulders

I am lovely.
I am done.
I am in love with myself.
And that is all I can do now.

I am sick and tired
Of looking
Of hoping of wanting of waiting
Time to fall in love with myself
To know who I am
To know what I want
Time to start looking at myself in the mirror
And loving what I see with my eyes
Instead someone else's imagined eyes.

I have come full circle
It hurt, but I have made it.
The disappointment stung
but I have endured...
I will not go away
Will not whither like the leaves on these fall trees.
I will not go away because I don't have his love.
I will not cease to exist
Cease to love others
And myself
And God.
I will not cease.

I have come full circle
Without a doubt
Clinging to the goodness of my own heart
Clinging to the knowledge that I am lovely.
That I am appealing
That I will grow in and upward
Shedding the misery of loneliness
I am done with it all...

I have come full circle
and I love what I have become.

disappointment

As I wrote the title of this blog, I thought about the word DISAPPOINTMENT and I thought how appropriate this word actually is for its meaning.

It's like you've been DISSED for an APPOINTMENT...whether it was a promised 'appointment' or even one you hoped for...or even imagined.


Staring at the glaring
NO VACANCY
I press face against glass
Hoping for a glimpse
Of something I want
But don't have.
Not yet. (I keep telling myself..)

I stretch my arms
To pull a better view
Standing on tip-toe
I get a glimpse
Of a welcoming smile
I get a shadow of loving arms
Surrounding my own shadow-self

Our heads are brimming full-up
With visions of backyard swingsets
Of beach walks
And reading at bedtime
Of morning kitchen noises
And little feet
And long Sundays
Spent in bed
Of hours and hours
Of exploration into our hearts
And minds and hopes and dreams
and hurts and questions

Slowly, the pictures fade away
Float up and out the windows
Through the cracks and chinks
Of this paper maiche' house
Homework pencils and pads
Bookbags, shoes, toys
Are pulled up
Encircle the embracing pair
And become nothingness

Her swollen expectant belly
Deflates and they are holding hands,
Side by side
Looking out into the future
Waiting.

My vision blurs with tears
Until the couple melts away
Into the pool of my Disappointment
The glass gone.
Only this neon sign
NO VACANCY!!
It bleats
Its huge letters

They tower over me
Bright Red Warning Letters
Beating out the rhythm of my swollen heart
That is filled and overflowing with too many
Missed Appointments, Disappointments.

With each flash
I back away, slowly
And turn my back to the sign
Facing the desolate road
Where the next NO VACANCY
Is waiting for me
Down inside the long and the dark
And the bitter cold.