walking through it...

It's amazing how long I have been wanting to go on a date with a guy, just go on a date, ya know? And maybe even have a second date and maybe have someone to do fun things with, like go hiking, explore Denver, just sit in a park and look at the mountains. And now, suddenly, it seems to be happening. And I'm freaking out.
It's so strange. I mean, I have no idea how far things will go. But, we had a really nice first date. It was weird and awkward and I talked like a crazy person, and when we were hugging goodbye my sunglasses were falling off my head and in a jerk-response I whacked him in the back of the head. And I am surprised I didn't scare him away. But then, after we had drunk our iced lattes and I had talked my head off, and I wasn't feeling quite so nervous anymore, we went for a walk. And we walked up to the school where I often teach, which was definitely meaningful for me. He really cared and wanted to hear about my experiences there. And then he talked a lot and then I talked a lot, and then we arrived back at the coffee shop, and I whacked him in the head and he asked me for a second date. He must be crazy.
On a more serious note, I am anxious about the whole thing. I guess it's normal, I don't know how normal, but I like to tell myself that it is normal to freak out in the beginning. I mean, what if this is IT? I was talking to God about it on the way to work. I said, "God, what if this is the last week that it will be just me and You?" I felt this overwhelming feeling of loss, and a bit of regret. I have had God all to myself this whole time, haven't been responsible to anyone else but Him, ultimately, for the last nine years of my relationship with Him. And I have fretted away so much of that time wishing that I had more than Him. When He was all I really needed all along, and still is all I really need. And this could be it. It's so strange to wish for something for so long, and then feel like jamming the brakes on when it finally comes.
But maybe this isn't IT and we will have a few fun dates and then be on our way. That would be okay, too. I just want to remember this feeling when I get my heart broken again. That there was a time when I was clutching to God with all that is in me, not wanting to give up this time, anxious to be only with Him.