recovery

The past month has been a series of misses and near-misses. It has been a true test of my faith and trust in God and People and Life and Love and Goodness.

The sun was gone for a while and it rained and we wondered: "How could it rain so much here, in Colorado?" And then the sun came out and it's all green. It's crazy like that. Life is crazy like that. I feel like I have had bad carpet burn. Like somebody or something rubbed me hard across the floor. It has left marks. Heartbreak is like that. You will be fine, but then something will come on the TV and all of a sudden your entire chest opens up and it feels like a void, a cavity, and the cavity hurts like hell. Because when the longing would surface before, I would have HIM to look forward to filling. He lived in that place. Now there is no one there anymore. And there are friends who huddle around you, smashing his pictures, giving him the middle finger, and putting big band-aids on your hurts, and giving you chocolate and sunshine and their own tears and hugs. And all of that is so nice. It really is. Until they have their own lives that they have to lead and you are left sitting on the couch, not sure what the hell to do next.