there's just something...

There's just something about writing down words. Words have been helping me lately. Not the words that swarm around my brain and make me feel stressed out and confused, as they have lately. But the words that fit neatly on a piece of paper. Or at least neatly into sentences that have the potential for people to read., like here.. you're reading this, right? To read and perhaps to relate...I need to let you into my world. I need some light and air to breathe before another night goes by and I haven't put things out there into cyberspace.

Is it possible to want to do the right thing too much? I think it is. Maybe it's called an overactive conscience. Maybe I believe that if I just pray really hard and grit my teeth and pretend it's not all hard and confusing, I will be able to do the right thing when the time comes. Or maybe I want to keep up appearances. I don't know .

Meeting someone and beginning to date is supposed to be this fun, sweet time. But right now I am working on little sleep. My worried mind keeps me up. I've had issues with anxiety before. If you know me well, you'll know that I struggled with it in college a lot, and for the years after college when I didn't know what direction my life 'should' head in. It' s that same feeling. I haven't been worried too much about starting school. I know that my moving into Boulder is a positive one, and will probably cut down on any unsettled feelings I've been having. So what's the issue?

When those feelings of anxiety went away before, it was at the time when I felt I had purpose. I worked through some issues with a counselor, which was a good idea...many which stemmed from childhood, (don't they always?) and i highly recommend doing that for anyone in a similar situation. Some things became clearer. But now I have a direction (school to thereby become a high school English teacher), meaningful friendships, good health, artistic outlets, and a pretty stable relationship with my Creator. Then, what is it? What is keeping me up at night? I guess we all have things that we need to face from time to time. I guess this is my time. (darn it all)

There are probably a few issues here... I worry about making a good impression, I worry about letting my heart get further than he lets his, I worry about whether or not he is the right one for me. I worry about so many things that I have no control over! How infuriating!

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?


Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!


Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!