this is it

this is my song
shredding me
stretching me thin
abundantly beautiful
bathed in ash and mercy
beyond dreams and revelation
this is my song

of you and of me and
of what will be
and what might not
this is my song of the complete
and utter chaos this longing has brought me to
this is the song of my broken
my battered and torn
my heros plundered and scattered
my dreams dark and deep
these are the treasures i keep

but i want to give them away
i want to be rid of these dreams
to move on toward the light of day
of hope of kindness of love
and dream cool dreams again
beneath willow trees and lay down in hammocks
and breathe in the rich sweet scent of dropping day
and lay not alone but beside you
looking up together
looking at each other
looking ahead
and within and dreaming each other's dreams.

i wish i could tell you

i wish i could tell you that your eyes looked so blue today
with that blue checked shirt and that blue-blue hat
and you still look handsome even without your beard
(you know my weakness for beards)
because now your eyes look even clearer and kinder
and you look younger and tanner than ever

i wish i could tell you that i think of you all the time
i go to sleep at night with thoughts of your tender hands
and i wake up wishing you were beside me

wishing i could bury my nose in your shoulder
and breathe in its shirt-laundry scent
and let you hold me in your strong arms
and do nothing else
don't kiss me just hold me and tell me i'm not alone
and that whatever is between us can be worked out
and that in your arms is a safe place to be

is this an addiction or do i really care for you
if i really care for you is that enough to ask you to come back
if i really cared for you would i just let you go and find
whatever you need without me
if i really care i would place you gently into God's palm to hold awhile
instead of seeking your attention and your glance
and snatching you away from our True Love's hands

you said i think it's gonna be hard not to touch this skin
but now you look away and i try to keep your baby blues on mine
but you and i know that it's better this way
and so you finish your work and leave before we say or do something
we will regret or before either can get too sad
before we can grasp the fact
that what we thought we had is a thin line of vapor holding us
together

and keeping us apart

slip slidin away

Recently I took a ride down a really really steep and fast hill. I am speaking figuratively here, but I swear my heart and my guts didn't know it. They flip flopped and twisted and I swear I was gonna lose it a few times. It felt pretty real to them. This ride was running away from me to the point where I didn't feel like myself anymore. You see, I don't really like roller coasters. I don't need all those ups and downs...I get enough of those in daily life. I was choosing this ride, though, against my own better sensibilities. This coaster was cruisin in a really bad direction, like I was headed for a wall and I was gonna crash into the abyss and no one would know where the heck I disappeared to. I got into a relationship that I knew was doomed from the beginning. It's funny how we make decisions against our own better judgment. These are the moments I am convinced I am at least schizophrenic if not just a tad mentally unstable. But I suppose we all are in our own way. And so, I stopped the roller coaster. He is a Christian, but what I am beginning to realize is that that may not mean very much. I talked with a pastor recently who said, Don't tell me you're a Christian, tell me what you BELIEVE.

And so I am back again, feeling at square one in the relationship department, although perhaps now I am a bit less desperate-feeling. I have days where I am so frustrated I cry myself to sleep. I wonder what the heck God is doing and does He really know what He is doing? I doubt whether anyone is really out there waiting for me.

I have to say, I tasted something I thought I wanted. Someone who found me irrestible, attractive, beautiful, exciting, and I had the attention of a great guy who loved it when I sang. But it just wasn't enough. I want someone to be attracted to what's underneath the skin, ya know? I know this sounds maybe a little unrealistically pious, because I really really want a guy to want to kiss me and all of that (believe me), but as exciting as that was for a brief couch-run, it just doesn't last. What does last is the memory of the fact that I gave a little away to someone I knew in my heart was not right for me, because I was, well, feeling desperate. I guess we are all desperate in a way. But I want to not be desperate in a way that makes me tempted to compromise who I am and who I know God has made me to be. I want to want what God wants more, and to quote my pastor friend, I want to put myself in the position where I will be most blessed in my life. And I guess I am beginning to realize that some of the "Waiting" is about doing just that. I wasn't feeling blessed for that weekend after the couch-time, I was feel lost and separated from the truth that I knew was deep in my heart but that I had somehow covered over with justification, and well, lust.

Through all of this, the pain of seeing him and still wanting to be with him has not vanished. I guess sometimes doing the right thing can hurt. And each time it stings, I have to pray that God will give me the strength to stay off that dangerous ride that leads to death. I think that is where we can most be blessed, and where God can speak the clearest to us, when our feet are planted firmly on His ground, where we can soak in His sun like the hungry earth. I just don't want to drown out his voice again.

ned

My sweet sweet friends of mine: Aime'e, Becca, Hannah and Kate Hurley found ourselves winding up the road to Nederland the other day. It was a sweet time of rest and silliness and good mountain-time. We finished up the day at the Happy Trails Coffeehouse, which is an old-time train car-turned-coffee shop. It was fantastic. Here are some photos. As you can tell, we were enjoying acting like models.