slip slidin away

Recently I took a ride down a really really steep and fast hill. I am speaking figuratively here, but I swear my heart and my guts didn't know it. They flip flopped and twisted and I swear I was gonna lose it a few times. It felt pretty real to them. This ride was running away from me to the point where I didn't feel like myself anymore. You see, I don't really like roller coasters. I don't need all those ups and downs...I get enough of those in daily life. I was choosing this ride, though, against my own better sensibilities. This coaster was cruisin in a really bad direction, like I was headed for a wall and I was gonna crash into the abyss and no one would know where the heck I disappeared to. I got into a relationship that I knew was doomed from the beginning. It's funny how we make decisions against our own better judgment. These are the moments I am convinced I am at least schizophrenic if not just a tad mentally unstable. But I suppose we all are in our own way. And so, I stopped the roller coaster. He is a Christian, but what I am beginning to realize is that that may not mean very much. I talked with a pastor recently who said, Don't tell me you're a Christian, tell me what you BELIEVE.

And so I am back again, feeling at square one in the relationship department, although perhaps now I am a bit less desperate-feeling. I have days where I am so frustrated I cry myself to sleep. I wonder what the heck God is doing and does He really know what He is doing? I doubt whether anyone is really out there waiting for me.

I have to say, I tasted something I thought I wanted. Someone who found me irrestible, attractive, beautiful, exciting, and I had the attention of a great guy who loved it when I sang. But it just wasn't enough. I want someone to be attracted to what's underneath the skin, ya know? I know this sounds maybe a little unrealistically pious, because I really really want a guy to want to kiss me and all of that (believe me), but as exciting as that was for a brief couch-run, it just doesn't last. What does last is the memory of the fact that I gave a little away to someone I knew in my heart was not right for me, because I was, well, feeling desperate. I guess we are all desperate in a way. But I want to not be desperate in a way that makes me tempted to compromise who I am and who I know God has made me to be. I want to want what God wants more, and to quote my pastor friend, I want to put myself in the position where I will be most blessed in my life. And I guess I am beginning to realize that some of the "Waiting" is about doing just that. I wasn't feeling blessed for that weekend after the couch-time, I was feel lost and separated from the truth that I knew was deep in my heart but that I had somehow covered over with justification, and well, lust.

Through all of this, the pain of seeing him and still wanting to be with him has not vanished. I guess sometimes doing the right thing can hurt. And each time it stings, I have to pray that God will give me the strength to stay off that dangerous ride that leads to death. I think that is where we can most be blessed, and where God can speak the clearest to us, when our feet are planted firmly on His ground, where we can soak in His sun like the hungry earth. I just don't want to drown out his voice again.