how do you...

Move forward when there has been no closure? I keep thinking I will get a message or he'll drop by a letter with some sort of explanation that will help me get over this. But i don't think he will and maybe that wouldn't help anyway.
I think he was just plain scared. I understand that.
This morning it was hard to get up and get out of bed. I thought about how my thoughts had been occupied with him for every morning since we first met, around 30 days ago. That's 30 days of thinking about him, wanting to see him, dreaming about all the fun we would have together... reliving our kisses.
And now I just get this lump in my stomach when I think of it.
How to do you move forward? I know my life was really good and really full of wonderful relationships and art and joy and promise before I met him. Right now it's just hard to get motivated about any of that.
Last night church was really good, and i was able to cry and to just sit and be mad at God and to have my friends come and pray for me. And that's good. And then I really did feel some relief and a bit more settled in my heart with my friends leading me in worship and my church family around me and I knew I could just be real. And that's good. We went for ice cream and it was good to be distracted and to hear funny stories and laugh a bit. My pastor talked about how we can't let our circumstances spiral us downward...that we need to set aside a chunk of our day at least once a week where we just sit and be silent with God. And our missionary who spoke said that when God takes something away it's because he has something better for us. That that is just who He is. I know this. I've heard all of this. I know God is good and wants my best and blah blah blah. I don't really mean that. I just still feel mad and don't understand what happened, and I blame him and I blame God and it just doesn't feel fair.

an abrupt ending

after almost exactly a month, he ended things. just like that. a month isn't long in the grand scheme of things. it isn't a long time. but that's not really what i'm measuring.

I have no idea how I got here....it's 2:43 am in the morning and i just feel like i've been shit on. seriously...my heart put in a vice and just squeezed...and i wish i had some words of wisdom from this and i wish that i could at least hear from God and i wish my roommate weren't gone for the weekend...

and i wish i could get back to sleep.

what the...?

Wow. Life is too weird. Suddenly, you can be thrown into a whirlwind of romance and love and hopes for a future with someone, and then suddenly..... splat.

I don't know quite what happened. Well, I have an inkling. We both ran full-speed ahead -- and we started getting pummelled with anxiety and fear. He is just coming out of a 2 year relationship gone bad, and I feel really overwhelmed by the pace. Too much, too quick. I guess that's normal. But now I have to figure out how to slow my heart down. How does one do that, really? How do I readjust to being someone he is dating rather than someone he is in a committed relationship with, with the potential for marriage? How do I change my thinking? Only by God's grace, I suppose.

He says that he thinks we both need to be seeing other people while we are in the process of getting to know each other. I understand why he would choose this option...I just have no idea how to do that. Jesus, help!! If you are one of my close friends who knows me and how to pray, please send some up on my behalf. thanks. I really need you.

kissing

It's a good thing. I have decided I really like kissing. A lot. Especially if you happen to be kissing a guy you like A LOT and he likes you A LOT and you like kissing each other A LOT. Whew.
I highly recommend going and grabbing your sweety and having a kissfest. It's good for the soul.
And if you don't have a sweety, I can say in all confidence that one day you will, (because I firmly believe that God wants you to kiss your sweety) and then you will get to have a kissfest.
Yum.

Okay, sorry. I just read that and it looks ridiculous, but it is how I am feeling and right now I am at work and all I can do is think about the next time I get to kiss him...and replaying all the best parts of the kissing in my head. Obsessed? Nah.