Today I am wearing a shirt that I pulled out of my duffel bag. It is cool today in Colorado. Feels like Fall. So I chose a long-sleeved shirt I bought in Budapest, which I often wore to teach in. It doesn't fit me all that well, it was made for a teenage girl who likes to show off her mid-driff.. but I like it. It has flowy sleeves. Who doesn't like flowy sleeves?

As I do my receptionist thing today, answering phones, sending mail, etc in this accountant office that feels so separate from me and the person underneath this job title, my thoughts are not here, but in Csepel, where I know my students are starting school today. And I realized it is because of a smell.

This is a good smell, actually, not the bathroom-type that tends to intensify in higher temperatures. No, this is the sort of non-descript smell that creeped in. I didn't know it was happening, but have you ever noticed that the place you inhabit has a certain smell? You don't know when the smell started, or how much of it was already there. But today, I keep catching a wiff of my old detergent, and once and a while giving it a good sniff, and breathe deeply. Ah, Budapest, Csepel, my students, the hallway full of plants, the friendly secretaries, the intense espresso aroma of the office, the (generally) delightful disorganisation and high energy of my workplace. I miss that. There are some things I don't miss, but I miss my job. I miss my students. Oh, how wonderful if we could look back on all of our experiences with such fondness!

ttttrying

So I am trying to get this blog the way I want it. If it changes in the next couple of days, and even changes back again, well, deal with it. Just consider it in an 'experiential phase'. If I can get my flikr photos up, check them out, and enjoy!
They're kinda fun.

day to day

This week I have done more than i have wanted to. Spent more time in my car than I have wanted to. Have slept less and read less and given fewer hugs than I have wanted to. But now it is my own car, and will soon (in 3 weeks) be my own bed onto which I will lay my weary soul. And soon I will hopefully have more friends I can hug. So that's good.

Yesterday I was sitting outside at the CPA firm where I work during the day, reading a book during my lunch break. (I think it was Smilla's Feeling for Snow, Danish book, by Peter Hoeg).This office is in a funny place because it is in the downtown area of Boulder, along a tiny creek that runs along a busy road, giving the impression that we are still in the outdoors, yes, we still care, but there are still all these cars and busy (but not angry) people, and errands to run and money to earn, and kids to pick up from tennis and swimming lessons. So I have to look up at the hills to remind myself where i am from time to time.

Boulder is a wacky place. You look up and there are these amazing mountains...all light green and tan coloured, spotted with evergreens, and some sharp, flat tan rocks that actually stick up out of the mountain. (the flatirons) Anyway, it is a town that at one time was probably pretty chill. Just outdoorsy, hippie types doing their organic, laid-back thing. Some days I am grieved at the way it has progressed. There is so much development and urban sprawl, there are these crazy condo developments everywhere you turn (one of them being the one I will soon move into...I am not exactly guiltless) there are even homes up in the mountains. Although there is still a lot of land out here that is untouched, I can tell the difference from a year ago when I visited. Anyway, yesterday was one of those days grieving man's progression, or should I say, man's putting his feet up and spreading out.

Back to lunch. As I was reading, I suddenly heard my colleague call my name in a hushed tone, and I looked up, and there, not 2 meters in front of me, stood a doe and her fawn, looking straight at me. They looked pretty freaked. I don't know how or why they found there way down into town, but my office sits along a pretty busy 2 lane road, so I can see why they were freaked. (I feel freaked just driving on it) Pretty soon, a dog escaped from his owner and chased them, scattering them in two different directions. I was powerless to do anything, and I just felt like weeping, while the dog man scoffed and called them stupid, and why would they come down here anyway? I wasn't sure who I felt more sorry for.

How do you live intentionally? I feel I am making compromises, but in the same sense, I have real needs: rent money, food, etc.. So I am going to be moving into one of the condos I have dogged because it is affordable and I get to live with a cool woman, and I am working at a multinational corporation, that though it is doing good things, is still sort of taking over all other coffee businesses in this area...Starbucks. Is it doing more good than evil? I don't know. But for me, it is providing a fun second job, teaching me about one of my loves in life (coffee of course!) and offers the health benefits I need. Hm. And it is just generally a good attitude. I don't know where you draw the line.

And I am still missing my friends in Hungary. I haven't heard from them in a while (hint, hint, those who are reading). The weather has been cooler lately, and has been reminding me of fall...fall means school...and I already anticipate missing Hungary, my students, my friends, that life there...the life that now on the outside seems protected and fun and focused. And here, I feel unfocused, having to do so much to just survive.

But on the other hand, I feel blessed. I am not on the streets, I have a couple of decent jobs, my own car, good people around me.. In the midst of it all, I somehow know that God is there, looking out for me, doing cool stuff behind the scenes. Like I have been so run-down lately, I have been worried that I made a mistake in taking another job, but then I learned that our Starbucks will close at 10 rather than 11 during the schoolyear. Yes!! He likes to do stuff like that. And I like that He does it. So, yes, I am blessed.

scraping it together

I just went over to a friend's apartment. I just met her, so maybe technically she is not my friend yet, but I am feeling positive.

Her roommate is engaged and so wants to move out and into her parents' home to save money before the wedding. And so I feel like a lemming at the moment. (spelling, please?) as I am trying to decide whether or not to take her spot for the next 5 months. So, I don't need so save money? Are you kidding? the place is 430 a month plus utilities. It is a really good price for this area. (not that that helps when I can't afford even that!) And it would be like living at a resort. No kidding. Walk out the door and there are the Rocky Mtns to the west, a small lake to the east. PLUS, a HUGE pool with whirlpool, sauna, a fitness center, tanning, and even a mini movie theater. They even serve free breakfasts on the weekends!! (I told you, it's a resort) And, the girl is cool. I think we would get along well. She is an elementary teacher, and certainly will give me all the help I need in the 'finding a teaching job' arena.

SO...yes, it would mean taking another job (oh no I'd have to work 40 hours!) and maybe not start my online classes until I have some good-paying sub positions. Okay. And then, I would have the luxury of diving into the pool to do some laps...and then chill in the hot tub (or, roast in it? hm) ...AH. Sounds good. So, why am I nervous? I guess because I once got myself in a pickle. I had to pay 600 for rent and I was working a horribly low-paying job, got depressed and anxious and had to move back with the folks. I guess I am just worried about that. Hm.

I think I also fear that I cannot hack adult life. Yes, I know I am about to be 30 in 4 months, but that doesn't mean I FEEL like an adult. It feels like the times I have tried to be an adult, I have messed up. So I am nervous. I guess that is normal?? But the alternative is to stay here with my sister and her husband. Which I don't want to do. They have been so generous to let me stay here this summer, and I don't want to take advantage.

So, I am left with these thoughts.