these is slippery times

Talking with my friend tonight, I realized that the past couple of weeks have been quite slippery. No, we haven't gotten much rain, and no, though Colorado is well-known for its snow, we haven't gotten any of that yet either. I am referring to another type of slipperiness altogether. The slipperiness of the mind. It is amazing that each time I think through my possibilities...which car to buy (or sign on to be in-debt to a bank for the next 3 years), who to move in with, when to move, where to move, which teaching program(s) to apply for....I can even make these nice little pro and con lists, and still, each time I can end up on a different side. Why is that? Sometimes I think I am completely obsessive. I get an idea in my head and it seems really good and will end any further obsessing (at least on the issue at hand) until one little detail falls out of place, or someone suggests that I think of another option, and it is all in shambles. One moment I have a particular job for the next year, and at least some of my worries are over, and the next, I am homeless, on the street, no job, because I can't seem to make any kind of decision, trying to sing songs on the street. Argh. Then again, I think I am being a tad hard on myself, and need to give myself some credit. After all, I have only been stateside for a month, and I have a LOT to think about. (not that that is any solution to any of my problems, but you know.) So, my mind is slippery. It gets even more slippery when there is more lubrication happening. (that seems gross. let me explain) That is to say, I have several options going on for several different goals at the same time.It is a literal Niagara Falls in my head, or maybe it is more like Charlie's Chocolate Factory. All of this, and also flopping between: "Get crackin', Katie!! You need to do this this and this. " to..."Give yourself a break, Girl! Relax, go jump in the pool and don't think for a couple of hours." And then I am exhausted, and on my bed, as I was today, totally bushed from all of these mental exercises. Too much. I've had it. And here comes another week.

looking up

So, things are looking up. I was driving to Serrano's, the family restaurant here, and I looked up at the stars. Then I saw the mountains..the sky was changing into this indescribable purple colour at the horizon. And then I thanked God. He is so faithful. Even when I am so NOT! This week has been going so much better than last. I have met some really wonderful people, at Mark's (my brother-in-laws) restaurants, just hanging out. I have connected with lovely and helpful people at the church I have just started attending, and tonight, i went to a Career Network meeting at our church (yes, isn't that awesome?!) where we could hear some really good tips on looking for work, as well as advice in our individual situations. Just to know that I am NOT alone in this process helps tremendously. The counselor guy even gave our group a day-to-day activies guide for helping us plan out our days effectively, and I am now hooked up to this huge career network in the Boulder - Metro Denver area where I can post my resume and where my name might come up when people come across available teaching jobs. YAY!! There is hope. He also came up with a path I hadn't thought of before. To pursue my ESL license, wherein I can probably get a job more easily, and then work toward my goal of becoming Secondary English certified. What a great idea! Very practical.
And though I have been quite manic the past seven days I have been here, this feels like a steady incline. I hope it lasts!

hmph

In limbo. That is where I am. As I sit here and write I don't know where I am headed and what I am really doing. I know what I want to do, but don't know how I will get there.
Don't you sometimes wish you were one of those people who didn't care too much and didn't worry too much? Is it possible to care, but not to worry? Each day I am here, I wake up and feel a sort of heaviness. What should I do today? How can I keep myself busy today? I know I have only been here for a week, but I am really really hoping that this doesn't last long. It is the overanalysis that will kill your spirit. It is a gorgeous day outside in Boulder..there are those lovely, puffy little clouds that just hang out and enjoy the sunshine and blue sky. But instead I am looking at them through a small window in the cellar of my sister and brother-in-law's house. Is this just more culture shock? More inability to just jump into life? My younger sister is so good at it. She has all this positive energy, but sometimes even that is too much for me to be around. We drive to wherever we are headed, the temp agencies, the car place, her next job, and the heat is fuming.

This place is very brown, and is just completely covered and intertwined by highways and byways and big, (but nice, I'll admit) shopping malls. I am constantly looking up to the mountains that are so close but seem like a different world. I need to get up there, but it has just been too hot to hike.

You can get anything your little heart desires at the next intersection, and well, if you miss that in the heat of the traffic, you can get it at the next one. Money is flowing through my fingers like water. Many people here (at least in my fam's circle of friends) go out for the night and drop 80 bucks, easy. And I am clutching to what I want to be comfortable and me, and instead falling back on old habits that are hard to break. And I know that.

I went to church this morning and cried. That is about all I could do. And I still don't know why. These days I am prone to cry when I get too hot or too tired, or because things just move so fast here.
Maybe it's the highways. Maybe it is that I can understand everyone around me and there is nowhere to hide amidst the jungle of English speakers. Maybe because everyone is beautiful here and it is overload to the senses, and am I beautiful today? I need to sort these things out, but I have no motivation to read my Bible and my only prayers sound something like: "It's okay, it's just a gas station, you just get out and pump gas. You can pay before or after. Well, which is it, God? Why do I have to make all these decisions??" "Or just "HELP!" What kind of a prayer is that? And what does God expect of me right now? I don't know. I pray these things and I want His help and yet I don't know how to take it or what help He is offering.

The loneliness of this time is very real. And I just watched the end of Cold Mountain and that steamy scene at the end does very little to cheer me. Hmph.