hmph

In limbo. That is where I am. As I sit here and write I don't know where I am headed and what I am really doing. I know what I want to do, but don't know how I will get there.
Don't you sometimes wish you were one of those people who didn't care too much and didn't worry too much? Is it possible to care, but not to worry? Each day I am here, I wake up and feel a sort of heaviness. What should I do today? How can I keep myself busy today? I know I have only been here for a week, but I am really really hoping that this doesn't last long. It is the overanalysis that will kill your spirit. It is a gorgeous day outside in Boulder..there are those lovely, puffy little clouds that just hang out and enjoy the sunshine and blue sky. But instead I am looking at them through a small window in the cellar of my sister and brother-in-law's house. Is this just more culture shock? More inability to just jump into life? My younger sister is so good at it. She has all this positive energy, but sometimes even that is too much for me to be around. We drive to wherever we are headed, the temp agencies, the car place, her next job, and the heat is fuming.

This place is very brown, and is just completely covered and intertwined by highways and byways and big, (but nice, I'll admit) shopping malls. I am constantly looking up to the mountains that are so close but seem like a different world. I need to get up there, but it has just been too hot to hike.

You can get anything your little heart desires at the next intersection, and well, if you miss that in the heat of the traffic, you can get it at the next one. Money is flowing through my fingers like water. Many people here (at least in my fam's circle of friends) go out for the night and drop 80 bucks, easy. And I am clutching to what I want to be comfortable and me, and instead falling back on old habits that are hard to break. And I know that.

I went to church this morning and cried. That is about all I could do. And I still don't know why. These days I am prone to cry when I get too hot or too tired, or because things just move so fast here.
Maybe it's the highways. Maybe it is that I can understand everyone around me and there is nowhere to hide amidst the jungle of English speakers. Maybe because everyone is beautiful here and it is overload to the senses, and am I beautiful today? I need to sort these things out, but I have no motivation to read my Bible and my only prayers sound something like: "It's okay, it's just a gas station, you just get out and pump gas. You can pay before or after. Well, which is it, God? Why do I have to make all these decisions??" "Or just "HELP!" What kind of a prayer is that? And what does God expect of me right now? I don't know. I pray these things and I want His help and yet I don't know how to take it or what help He is offering.

The loneliness of this time is very real. And I just watched the end of Cold Mountain and that steamy scene at the end does very little to cheer me. Hmph.