I wish I could get mad everyday...

"I wish I could get mad everyday, just to be consistent."

(ms. ammerman, in response to disciplining in class)

Sadly, I said this. These are things we say and are pretty comical when taken out of context.


Consistency. This is something I lack. So, I guess you could say the only thing really consistent in my life is inconsistency. My moods vary from fostering a strong urge to bite my roommate at the slightest provocation (which could consist of her cheerful 'Good morning' or simply rattling the dishes too loudly before I have had an opportunity to properly become adjusted to daylight) to the afterschool endorphines that can spiral me into nonsensical songs sung in nonsensical language, and accompanied by interpretive arm dance movements, sometimes to Abi's mortification, or encouraged by her (both depending on HER mood!) until we practically can't walk home, we are laughing so hard!

What is the deal, really? Do most people live along this unstable spectrum of emotions? Is it the plight of those living abroad, that moods are emphasized by about 10 fold? Is it female, set by the hormones or the moon? Or is it simply the human condition? And, if so, how do I get off this ride?

No matter how hard I try to be consistent, when I am, I feel fake. I don't feel like myself. I try to fold my clothes before they end up in a heap at the foot of my bed, and put them in nice, neat stacks (sort of GAP-like) in my wardrobe. (I have no drawers, since this is a Hungarian style room...I don't know what they have against them) But, this act takes so much extra thought and energy, and I feel almost tired out by it, that I would rather wait until I have a pile, and do it in one fell-swoop. But, there are other days. Days when I cannot STAND the dirt or the things piled up on my floor, or the CDs I have stacked on the floor, rather than in their cases like most people have them. (don't they?)

SO, I have a period (usually lasting no more than a day) when all I want to do is clean, and I am on a 'cleaning rampage'!! Mercilessly conquering anything that is spotted, rusty, dusty, moldy, (ew), unorganised, cluttered, or just plain annoying.

I have been pretty good this year about the single-thing. I am so happy with my life, with where I am living, with what I am doing, and with my friends here in hungary. Just another example of how you can be doing fine, and then out of the blue, something or someone shows up and broadsides you. Inconsistency. It's my plight.

In church on Sunday, an attractive guy sat down next me, and I was befuddled. I had not a clue of what the speaker was talking about. The entire hour and fifteen minutes consisted of this dialogue..sometimes between me and God and sometimes between me and me. "I wonder if he thinks I'm cute?" , and "Ooh..he just moved toward me, what does this mean?" and then pleading with God to help me to keep my mind under control. 'God, I know I gave this to you, I put it in your hands, well, but honestly, I really do want a guy in my life. and, well, ya think you could arrange that while I can still. at 28, fit into these jeans and have all the energy I have? '

Well, I did chat with him (said GUY) briefly, but not enough to really KNOW the guy. Which brings me to the conclusion that I am hopelessly off the deep end when it comes to obsessing, since the following days were spent dreaming about having love here in Budapest..walking along the Chain Bridge, cooking together in my flat, meeting at tea houses and talking about the books we are reading, the challenges we face here as foreigners...the lessons the Lord is teaching us as we walk our own ways. (sigh) Happily, i have friends who are good at listening and have helped me to get my feet back on the ground. But it was nice to be among the clouds for a few days at least. : ) I guess I am just grateful to rely on my friends and God's grace to buffer me when I fall too hard, and bring me back to center when I get too far off the map.

Philisophical and Trendy

So, my friend whom I was just chatting with, called my blogspot'philosophical and trendy.' I thought that was an interesting observation. Does this mean I am trying to be philophical but just coming across as trendy? Or is it possible to be both philosophical and trendy? isn't there something about prophets and their hometown or something??? Hmmm.
Anyway. Yes, I am writing and it has only been a week! Crazy.
Have you ever had one of those BLAH weeks? Nothing too exciting and you just kind of feel uneasy and antsy and fatigued and irritable all at the same time. You wanna stay home and curl up in a ball, but you are pretty sure you would pull your hair out if you did? That was mine.

The washing machine officially broke down this week. We have this tiny washing machine in our dormitory, which means you gotta wash twice a week at least. And if you are lucky, no water will leak out and cause a major flood in the hallway, forcing you and your neighbours to get all communal by grabbing buckets and mops and towels to sop up the grimy mess. Which, I mean, hey, it isn't so bad, I suppose. However, I guess our sturdy and communist-era-like landlord decided that it was time to replace this trusty machine! So, after juggling the same 3 outfits all week, I get to do wash this weekend!! WOOHOO! Living in such a place as this certainly provides for simple pleasures! things are looking up : )

Last week, I was having a foggy, somewhat chaotic morning (mostly in my head). Although I had plenty of energy (that is one great thing about having this hankering for performance, even at 7:30am!!) I couldn't seem to teach. Hmph. I was excited about what we were talking about, but somehow couldn't spell a darn thing right on the board. I called Kata (a girl) Kristian (a boy). And then, when I thought I might as well just give in and concede to the reality of this confusion, and said to the whole class, "Okay, it feels like Monday, even though it is Tuesday." Only to have Eve, my trusty truthteller sheepishly raise her hand and point out , "Uh, Teacher, today is Wednesday!" That is when you realize that things are taking a turn for the worse!

But..it is the weekend, and things are looking up. : )

Interpreting Dreams

In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes:
“No enthusiasm will ever stand the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His worker, only one thing will, and that is a personal relationship to Himself which has gone through the mill of His spring cleaning until there is only one purpose left – I am here for God to send me where He will. Every other thing may get fogged, but this relationship to Jesus Christ must never be. "
Since I’ve arrived in Hungary for my second year of teaching, there have been several themes running through my thoughts, prayers, conversations. And the biggest one has been the idea of being open to God’s will....even if that will is fogged.
I sang at a coffeehouse event at my friend’s flat last weekend. It was such an incredibly affirming experience, and the evening brought a distinct awareness of how good and real God is here, and that this is where I am (Hungary), and where I am supposed to be right now. Why do we get so caught up in where we are supposed to be? Why do we question so much?
What I can glean from Chambers’ writing, is that all other things surrounding God's will, geographic will, spiritual will, or decisions or whatever can be all foggy, but as long as we are open and willing to go and to do whatever Christ instructs us to(even if what we are to do or where we are supposed to go is right where we are right then)…we are already in His will.

Being in the center of God's will is like having a direct line to the voice of Heaven...but the voice can seem muffled at times. I have been having dreams. I often dream vividly, and it seems like whatever God wants to tell me at the time, it all shows up as wacky pictures and images and stories in my asleep time. I have now dreamt twice that I am in another country, pioneering, or interested in pioneering, a teaching program with ESI. Both times, I woke up with a feeling of anticipation: “What does this mean? Is God saying that I am supposed to leave Hungary to teach somewhere else in the world?” And of course, being the overexcited person that I am (I like to think I am enthusiastic but ya know) I got all psyched and told my roommates about it, and declared that I was supposed to visit Croatia over the fall break. But….as the days wore on, I prayed for God’s will and that I would want what He wants. And I prayed for his ‘spring cleaning’ – which should bring some trepidation. I pray for that so easily, because, darn it, it would be COOL to be sent to another country to be a ‘pioneer for Christ!’ It is that heroic part of Christianity that can be so appealing to me. Sacrifice it all! Go for it! Risk everything for the sake of the call! (insert swelling drumroll) However, this is one of those many paradoxes of the Christian life. Give it all to gain it all. Be the last and you will be the first, and so. I have always found that right before I am sent somewhere, there is a huge work that God wants to do in me before I can go. Pain before the reward. Hm. Doesn't exactly conjure images of grandeour.

And so I return to what Chambers writes: that ONLY grace will see me through. Chambers also writes about the fact that God never calls us to do something that is easy in our own strength. (Oh, great!!) He wants me to lean on Him completely. I feel really comfortable here. I have a good community, good creative outlets, solid relationships, an incredible job that I love, colleagues who respect me and are grateful for my work, and positive connections with my Hungarian students. I feel I am really being used here. But wouldn’t it be just like God to take me somewhere out of my comfort zone? I love it here, I feel so settled, and could see myself here for at least another year or two. But what if He wants me to go somewhere really hard, like an Islamic nation, or rural China? (Mom and Dad, if you are reading, don’t panic) I guess the question is whether I have fully abandoned all of my own dreams to melt into God’s beautiful and perfect dream for me. I have dreamt only about European countries, but am I really open to God’s will, even if it is somewhere really strange and daunting? So, these are my thoughts right now.

Last Friday, it noticed the cold for the first time. The temperature has dropped quickly, and now I am wearing sweaters and jackets and boots. It is weird how fast that happens. My colleagues in my office were complaining that they don’t like the cold, but I welcome it. I love the feeling of wrapping up in woolly sweaters, sipping black Kenyan tea and watching cinnamon buns rise before you put them in the oven. (and I realized, yes, you DO have to wait for them to rise after you cut them, or they are not so yummy! Oops.)
The seasons are changing, and as I take my walks near my home, I notice that the air is electric with change. I love the time in-between seasons. But I realize that the honeymoon time of living in Europe has passed. I am already faced with the fact that there is another hard winter ahead, and I need to prepare for it spiritually. In a way, the baking and cleaning and staying at home on weekend nights rather than going into town, has been my way of preparing. Building my nest, so to speak. As I look ahead, I grip God’s hand. I can only walk this path with Him no matter how much I like to think I have arrived, or can do this on my own. More than ever, I need the reassuring squeeze of my Abba’s hand, to remind me that I belong to Him, and that He will not let me go.