i miss...

As I was driving tonight, smoking a clove, thinking of you, I said these things out loud. And some tears were shed and it felt good. It felt good to tell you the things I miss about you...

I miss the way my mouth felt when we kissed.

I miss that wood-burning stove smell that I breathed in when I buried my face in your beard.

I miss the way you'd rest your hand on my thigh as you drove.

My hands at the back of your neck as you drove.

Your fingers playing with my hair when I drove.

Holding your hand.

I realized tonight that my knees got weak EVERY time I was expecting you to knock at my door. Even if I saw your car, I would pretend I didn't; I loved anticipating you.

You saying, "You can do it." or "Everything is going to be okay." or "You'll be alright." You were so sure, that I believed you.

Waiting for your phone call and feeling the butterflies that came. They always came, right up to the end.

The Tricky Tale of Heartbreak

As if there are not enough questions and mysteries and things to scratch your head at. Then, your boyfriend of 5 months says that he is finished. Over. He is walking away...and as he walks away, you swear you can here the planet you had created with him crumble away around him. Buildings are collapsing. The earth is shaking and rumbling. Rocks and tiny mountains are splitting apart and dropping into the sea. Like the USS Enterprise just hit it hard, or that black hole thingy sucked it up into nothingness. Like the planet had actually never been there. Like it was a figment of someone's - or all of our - imaginations. And now, there is only darkness where that world once was.

The first two weeks were hard, but I had my friends around me, who expected to comfort me, to bring me glasses of wine and Kleenex boxes. But I think it is the third week, that winning, reality-checking number 3 of a week that really gets you. My week started off with a pain in my lower back so terrible that I had no choice but to lay around and feel that empty cavity in my chest that I had been keeping at bay. Here I am!! Heartbreak! Feel me! Love me! Don't ignore me anymore! So, I had that to keep me company. Then, the clouds decided to stay in front of the sun, reflecting my already unpleasant self-pitying mode. And the sun just stayed away, and stayed away. So, where does a girl go with self-pity? To the movies, of course. But no chick flicks, please. I wanted something to rip me so far out of my world that I could, for 2 hours, be somewhere else entirely. Star Trek. The ONLY movie that would accomplish this task. I was so happy to ride around on the Enterprise, to loathe the villian and cheer for the heroes. It did the trick.