or something close to it.
I'm still alive. A couple of weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. Sure, I knew I would get through it, that I might be crushed for a while but then I would go on my merry way.
The strange thing about this episode of love-and-loss is that I have made my way through it, and basically unscarred. Well, at least that is the way I see things right now. The first week I was just in the blame-mode...If you have had your heart broken, then you can most likely relate to the need to point a finger, in order to explain away the hurt that is in your heart, and somehow feel like you have ended 'on top.' Well, that adrenaline lasted only a week. Then after a lovely escape of a weekend seeing friends and celebrating my friends' wedding...I hit bottom. Or at least close to it. I went to dinner at some friends' home who have a lovely marriage and wonderful kids and the whole-nine, and I just broke down on the way home in my car. Fortunately, I had a good friend in my passenger seast who sat and listened and cried with me, and held my hand, and told me that even though I felt really really weak at the moment, that she was looking at a beautiful, strong woman. It makes me think that true friends are really what one needs in life. True friends who will literally weep tears onto your hands as you hold hands in the dark, in your car, after the latest dream or love or hope had just been taken away.
This morning I had another hard episode of grief. I had a dream that just stuck with me all day, that I couldn't shake. Like a fog that won't lift or an annoying dog that keeps nipping your ankles and asking for your attention. And you feel like you should pay attention. Maybe the dream was trying to tell me something, after all, you think, help me make sense of what has happened, what is happening. But then maybe not. And then tonight I had another dear friend take me out for pizza to celebrate me going back to school, and she toasted to our friendship, and told me that I am amazing and that I am more beautiful and strong and grounded in the Lord than ever, and that I have dealt with all of this with grace. (but she can't read my thoughts, either!)
Thanks to you who prayed for me, to you who wiped my tears, (and are still wiping them) to you who listened to my complaints and questions in the dark of my car. To you who reads these words...
