chasing the fantasy

This week has been weird. Between overcommitting (sp?) myself and then having to renig on a sub job, and then leaving my phone off last night and not getting any sub calls ;(duh) and then I was fine not working today (I got to talk to 4\four of my favorite people on the phone! Yay) and feeling OKAY about now working...I get called to work. Seriously, I am in the Safeway, pushing my cart toward the frozen food section, and my pocket rings. Long story short, I had about a half hour to get to the school for the job. All I can say is, I hope that I am learning patience, flexibility, or something along those lines. Because otherwise, this feels like one BIG headache. and who the heck knows when I will actually get my grocery shopping done. I

Oh, and in other news, I signed up on eHarmony. I still can't believe it sometimes. But it is making me take a long, hard look at myself. I've been on it (huh, like it's a drug or something..okay, not addicted) Ya know, I get to find out what i am really all about, what I need and/want in a partner, those thingys. And then there is the whole 'getting over the giddy fantasy of it all' as I have just now named it, that I am working on. Finding a guy to spend time with is far more scientific AND far more out of my control than I have ever thought. (but, paradoxically, I DO believe I have an important role in the matter and that God is not going to bring me the man of my dreams to my doorstep, unless I am excited about the FedEx man)
I am beginning to slowly allow the day dreams I have once had to disappear. Truth be told, I guess I have really believed in the potential of the following story:

Girl, happily yet efficiently and with a bounce of confidence, works at local coffee shop.
Boy enters, (or swaggers, depending on the day) zeros in on Girl, is overwhelmed by her obvious beauty, inside and out (No, he doesn't know her, he just has some sort of 6th sense radar) and knows, at that instant that Girl is destined to marry Boy. (Or, at least, she is the most amazing creature he's ever seen and wants to ask her out..) Music swells, Girl looks up, somehow sensing this cosmic interaction beginning to unfold. Eyes connect. Girl knows she is meant for Boy. They smile. The rest, as they say, is history. (scene)

So, has anything even remotely close to this ever happened to YOU? Maybe it has. And that would be nice for you. But, it just hasn't happened to me. I don't know why. (not that I am not drop-dead or a picture of inner beauty - HEH) What I have come to find as I think and read about this topic of dating and relationships, is that finding romance is not a FANTASY. But, unfortunately, Hollywood and distorted authors and perverse tv writers have preached this message. That romance is only for the drop-dead, and can ONLY happen in an instant.

Honestly, I think there is Attraction at First Sight, but Love at First Sight? Gimme a break. How CAN we love someone we have just met, to the depth and breadth that we are able and to which they deserve and are able to be loved? I want him to see me padding around the house in my robe and slippers. I want him to be there when I unravel. I want him to hear my doubts about myself, God, us. How can we know just like THAT? And ya know what? I don't think that this makes me any less of a romantic. I think it is just making me more realistic about how romance happens, and how it doesn't happen. I actually asked a guy to hang out the other day, and I didn't spontaneously combust and he didn't laugh and point at me, and even though he couldn't go...I left his house feeling victorious. I am realizing that the reason it has all been so freaky to me, and I used to hide behind God (He'll bring me my man, all I have to do is WAIT) is because I have put this whole thing up on a pedestal. See, when we make things so utterly fantastical, and when we take ourselves and others far too seriously, then we don't even allow ourselves in the real-time to do something about the fantasy. I just can't chase after a fantasy. But I can chase something real...become more of myself. Learn more. Laugh more at myself. Ask people to hang out. Maybe something much more real and worthwhile will happen. Who knows? It's possible.

Post-wedding thoughts

Have you ever had those meaningful experiences that last only briefly, but when they are over, you feel that a part of yourself is missing? It is reminiscent of being a part of a play or a mission team or something like that..you know the time can't last forever, but you don't feel its levity until it is over. Until you are back in the day-to-day, working, paying the bills, seeing friends.

A wedding is a joyous occasion, but every one I have been a part of, has had a string of tension pulled tightly through the center of the whole thing. Anyone who observes or is around these people can sense it. The bride, the mother of the bride and other such involved persons seem to think that this tension is necessary to ' keep it all together'. So these individuals would be flabbergasted to find that tension completely missing in the wedding party I was part of this weekend... I showed up a half hour before the start of the wedding to help her dress... and in the end she had only put on a little mascara and pulled her still-damp-hair into a ponytail... And we had so much fun getting her ready! We took pictures of her in front of a mirror and in silly poses, we talked and laughed... The church's decorations included a few small vases of gerber daisies that matched her bouquet... there was little in the way of protocol for the scripture readers, who were asked that same day to read...no microphones. A hammer-dulcimer and flute provided the music. (beautiful) The bride and groom walked up the aisle together (since they had already exchanged vows a few months before and this was more for our benefit) ... It wasn't that it was hap-hazard, poorly-planned, or thrown together last minute. It was that it was SIMPLE. They just didn't have all of the extra stuff that so many weddings had. And it not only made them relax and just ENJOY the day, but the rest of us could relax, too!!

Obviously, I took a lot away from the weekend, and just felt so honored to be a part of something so wonderfully simple and meaningful. Thanks, Kate and Dave, for teaching me a thing or two! So now I get the blessedly sad and joyous time to relive and remember.