Hmmm..

I have 2 more full days in good ole PA and then I am off to Hungary. It is so strange. It feels like this moment has been built up this summer for so long. Not feeling like I fit in after being gone for a full year. Not knowing what I should be feeling about leaving all of the people I love the most in the world (besides my Hungary teaching colleagues) or how to love them as best I can with the short amount of time I have had here. Time is a funny thing. I think C.S. Lewis wrote that it is not wonder that we are made for eternity, since we are so 'uncomfortable in time'. Or something like that. So for those of you whom I have wanted to see this summer, could only see you for a short time, or didn't get to spend one-on-one time together, I apologize. Please know that the amount of time I spent or didn't spend with you does in no way reflect how important each of you is to me! It is just that I have not known the best way to use my time! I know we all struggle with this one. Anyway, as I embark on this journey, I am tired of the goodbyes, tired of explaining what it is I am doing, how great/bad/strange it is to live in Hungary. I am just ready to go! I know it is hard for anyone to understand who has not had a similar experience of living overseas, or far away from home. But know that I love each of you and pray God's blessings with lead you, strengthen you, and encourage you as only He can.
I'll write more when I am on the other side of the ocean!

On the Road Again

Yesterday I took a much-needed road trip. I hopped in the car, complete with stress and fatigue and in the deep desire to find some peace from things that have kept me locked up these past couple weeks. A day with my friend Kate was just the ticket. We talked together, laughed, cried (as I related the struggles I have been having with fear and anxiety), and teared up again when she talked about her new beau, Dave. It seems that she is totally taken with this fellow, and he is steadily pursuing her, and for once I was actually really happy for her. I mean, I think we can say that we are happy when people find romance. But in your heart of hearts, when was the last time you were unselfishly happy for that, and not wishing it were you, or wondering the whole time what was wrong with you that this magical state had not found you yet? But this time, I can truly say: I was happy. And I am happy for them. It is so good for us to relish the goodness that people find in one another. One thing she told me about the way Dave's love for her has changed her really struck me. She said that because he loves her so unselfishly, she is empowered to love others more freely. When before she would have been hesitant to call an old friend out of fear of rejection or disapproval, she felt fearless and freed to call her up just because she loves her and wanted to see her after a long time. What is this love? As I was driving down through the hazy pasturelands from PA toward West Virginia, I was listening to an old Chris Rice album. "Only love can save us, love can make a way" As I reflect on Kate's experience, I am apt to think about what Christ's love for us is really meant to do. To free us.... Paul wrote: "It is for freedom that he has set you free..." For what other end? To be moral citizens? To look better, act better, be better people? No. Again, I am caused to pause and to wonder at the LOVE that I cannot fathom, and pray that a little sliver of His love would puncture the walls I have built in unknown places, to banish all fear ('Perfect love drives out fear')and empower me to love others as I am meant to love them. Wouldn't it be nice?

Climbing the heights

I went for a hike today up Flagstaff, a peak that overlooks Boulder. At one point, when I stopped the turny-twisty route in my borrowed Jeep, I found a great look-out. I walked out to the edge of a large mass of boulders that seemed to be barely clinging to the edge of the mountain but proved to be sturdy enough for anyone to climb. It was so peaceful, but so scary at the same time. I realized my need for time with God. To just sit and be still in His presence. I am reading through one of Henri Nouwen's diaries. He wrote it while staying for 7 months with Trappist monks in New York. I don't know about you, but I have such a hard time focusing on God. It seems like I just don't know how to do it anymore. With so much STUFF in the world to fill our minds, how do we ever recognize our need for Him to fill us, when we are feeding on the candy? That stuff fills us up for a short time, but I find myself empty a lot of the time. Why? I guess I just don't know how to just 'be.' Anyway, Nouwen tries to empty his mind for space for God to inhabit.
He writes:

"I keep thinking about distracting things and wonder if I ever will be "empty for God." The idea occurred to me that instead of excluding I could include all my thoughts, ideas, plans, projects, worries and concerns and make them into prayer. (this is the key..) Instead of directing my attention only to God, I might direct my attention to all my attachments and lead them into the all-embracing arms of God." (The Genessee Diary, Nouwen)
I wrote this today atop that mountain:

I wanna scale the walls of doubt
The treason of my pouts
And dare to fill my lungs with air
Up here so high
I can almost see inside
The room I've barely set aside
For you
Problems, concerns, self, insecurities
Crowd out your place
The space you've claimed as yours
I can almost see the other side
From up on these mountains
Every step an effort
Every branch cracks
As burdens fall to the ground
Crack, crunch, thump
With every foot I place
The past, the present, the future are erased
And all that's left is You.

the biz from Boulder

I am on my third day in sunny Boulder, Colorado. Wow, this place moves quickly...in only 2 full days here, I have gone to a Leftover Salmon (blue grass/jam band/modern day hippie followers' band) show at this rickety edge-of-the-mountains outdoor venue, and spent the day at the Boulder Reservoir. The concert is the most noteworthy thus far.The stage faced 400 dancers and groovers on a small hill, while the musicians backs faced some ridge of the Rockies. A deck hung over a small but fiercely white raging creek, that drew many space seekers from the jumpin' crowd, and provided cool solitude. The ride up there was amazing. We wound our way toward sunset, from bright valley to shadowed hills and winding rapids. I was awestruck at how varied the environment became..jagged, sandy cliffs gave way to tall pines the completely covered the next ridge.I continue to be in awe of 'the nature' (as my Hungarian students would say) here. It seems so untamed in some places..and with imagination one can picture what it may have looked like during the cowboy era. On my morning walk this morning, I circled one of the small mountain lakes nearby Whitney and Mark's place. I wanted my eyes to be a camera. Everywhere I looked was a calendar-quality image...that would soon fade as the sun rose over the mountains. There is a feeling of safety and security in mountains. The overshadowing presence of these tall beings that constantly look down on you, no matter where you stray seems to me a steady reminder of God. Never changing, ever-present, ever aware of you. And yet, as you look more closely, you see the jagged cliffs, the hard-packet snow peaks. You imagine how cold it must be at the top, how wild and unsafe those mountains really are. A bit like God, perhaps. The closer I come to Him the more I am assured of His presence, but the greater trembling I experience, as I see that this is an unsafe God, who is worthy to be feared.