life is weird

I was just thinking how weird life can be at times. Yesterday, I left a message for a guy I don't know but who I have been communicating with through eHarmony. As much as I think this can be a good avenue for meeting a nice guy...well, it just feels contrived right now. But maybe I just have to get over it. Anyway, it just feels weird. It doesn't feel like me. I don't know what that means.

And then I just decided that, rather than doing some of the things I had planned to accomplish today, I would wake up and drag myself into the kitchen and make some coffee in my new french press (always reminds me of Neal and our ESI retreats!) and watch Lost in Translation, and maybe journal a bit and knit and take a mini-vacation. I am taking a lot of these these days. (BTW this is the ultimate movie if one feels pensive...it makes you think.) And I guess I did this morning.

I had a dream that someone I love died. And I wasn't sad. It just sort of happened, and there were lots of people who came to look at the dead body. But I didn't FEEL anything. I have had other dreams of loved ones dying (well, only 1 or 2) but I woke up crying. And those days I was so messed up for the entire day. This time I didn't feel anything. But I feel messed up in a different way.

And yesterday I was woken up by a man I have been trying to get with who is a spiritual father for our church body. Actually, it was his phone call that woke me. So suddenly I found myself in a coffee shop spilling my guts to someone I don't really know but I respect and trust. And he is telling me all this truth and wisdom and I can feel the weight of his words and I want to reach out my hands and fill them with the water of his words and carry them out the door with me. I wish I could do that sometimes. Then, when I feel down in the dumps because I feel alone, I can reach my hands up and slurp a sip from his wisdom and encouragement. And I can know that I am not alone. We walked down Pearl St. and neither of us were dressed for the chill, wet air. The clouds were low that day.

So, yes, it's a pensive day today. I might go with a friend and my sister and sit at a coffee shop and continue to be pensive. But at least I will have company and maybe some wisdom will flow. And we can catch each other's words and sprinkle each other's lives with our own.